What Only Cartman Has
by Genis Aurion
Summary: [nonslash humor]. Everything Cartman gets seems to already be in the possession of his friends. Will he ever obtain something none of his friends will have? Is there anything he can do that no other person he knows will do as well?


Cartman walks out of that dreaded, white-padded building. Could it be…? Has he finally found something only he has?

-

Stan is polishing a bowling ball when he hears the news.

"Na ni na ni na, na! I got something you don't! And you're just jealous!" It's the common singsong voice that gets on everybody's nerves—but not Stan's.

"What d'you want?"

"You'll never believe this, Stan!" Cartman exclaims as Stan merely raises an eyebrow. "So after all these years of following whatever you guys did, I've come up with something on my own. Seriouslah."

"Cool, dude," Stan says halfheartedly. "Like what?"

"Guess."

"Arcade room?'

"Better."

"Autographed football?"

"Better."

"Bowling alley?"—Stan shines his ball once more.

"Better."

"What, dude?"

"Therapy sessions." And as Stan is at a loss for words Cartman cracks up. "I told you guys! I told you guys I got something you didn't! Oh, Kahl's gonna be _so_ jealous…!"

"That's cool," Stan says at last, his disinterest seemingly pissing Cartman off quite suddenly. "I go to a therapist once a month myself…"

Cartman remains silent.

"Yeah, I go because of anger management problems. You should see the guy's face when I tell him I kill a good friend of mine on a weekly basis, though I do assure him Kenny's quite used to it."

Cartman's still silent.

"Why are you going to therapy, Cartman?"

"**_Damnit_**," Cartman hisses, walking away.

-

Kenny is admiring an Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt when he hears the news.

"Na ni na ni na, na! I got something you don't! And you're just jealous!" It's the common singsong voice that gets on everybody's nerves—and Kenny's definitely doing a good job at hiding his anger.

"What d'you want?"

"You'll never believe this, Kenneh!" Cartman exclaims as Kenny searches his pockets for coins. "So after all these years of following whatever you guys did, I've come up with something on my own. Seriouslah."

"Sweet, dude," Kenny says while rummaging his back pocket. "Like what?"

"Guess."

"Vibrator?"

"Better."

"Porn?"

"Better."

"Money?"—Kenny gives Cartman a hopeful pout once more.

"Better."

"What, dude?"

"Therapy sessions. And as Kenny is at a loss for words Cartman cracks up. "I told you guys! I told you guys I got something you didn't! Oh, Kahl's gonna be _so_ jealous…!"

"That's cool," Kenny says at last, his disinterest seemingly pissing Cartman off. "I have therapy sessions once a month myself…"

Cartman remains silent.

"Yeah… Don't tell anyone, but I've been feeling quite suicidal lately. I keep dying, damnit—and half the time Stan's the one killing me. I just wanna live one day. But don't worry, I told the dude that I've gotten quite used to dying already, so suicidal thoughts are almost nothing."

Cartman's still silent.

"Why are you going to therapy, Cartman?"

"**_Damnit!_**" Cartman hisses, walking away. For an added effect, however, he adds: "I hope you go to hell, Kenneh! You and Stan and all you copycats!"

Five seconds later, Kenny does just that.

-

Kyle is doing his calculus homework when he hears the news.

"Na ni na ni na, na! I got something you don't! And you're just jealous!" It's the common singsong voice that gets on everybody's nerves—and clearly Kyle is pissed.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Cartman!"

"You'll never believe this, Kahl!" Cartman exclaims as he ignores Kyle's demanding request. "So after all these years of following whatever you guys did, I've come up with something on my own. Seriouslah."

"What the fuck ever, dude," Kyle hisses. "Now get the hell outta my room."

"No, no, no, Kahl! Guess!"

"No."

"Better."

"I didn't even guess anything, dude."

"Better."

"Get the fuck out."—Kyle gives Cartman a baring smile once more.

"Better."

"All _right_, Cartman. Just tell me so you can leave me the hell alone!"

"Therapy sessions." And as Kyle is a loss for words Cartman cracks up. "I told you guys! I told you guys I got something you didn't! Oh, Stan and Kenneh are gonna be _so_ mad when I tell them I was right."

"That's cool," Kyle says at last, and his disinterest sends Cartman off the edge.

"Let me guess," says Cartman, seething. "You see a damn shrink, too?"

"Well yeah. Only because my mom's being a b—"

"God-_fucking-**damnit**_!" Cartman yells, and he doesn't even bother hearing the end of it.

-

Nope. Turns out all his friends are just as fucked up as he is. And to think, Cartman had only gone in there to treat his case of anorexia…


End file.
